On the left, I am dying from anorexia. On the right, I am recovered.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to put into words a sliver of what this feeling is. To fight. To conquer. To make 3am burger runs when you’re so drunk you can barely stand. To write a Math exam then laugh about it over ice cream with friends in the same class. To bake cookies with your family and eat them right as they come out of the oven. To have enough space in your head to think about everything— hopes, dreams, the future— instead of calories and weight. Sure, it’s easy to obsess over the amount of calories in an apple. It’s so easy. But what’s worth it is trying to count all the hours you spend laughing, talking, hugging. smiling. You don’t have that when you’re sick. You have calories and pounds to count instead.
I have bad days. Sometimes I get so upset I lose my appetite and can’t get out of bed, but the ups and downs mean I’m alive. I’m coping in a more functional way that I used to. I’m not sure what changed (almost everybody I’ve met who’s recovered has said the same thing) but I could never go back. Sometimes I still want to be tiny but I realize that sacrificing all these hings recovery has given me isn’t worth it. Anorexia lives on lies. I can’t go back.
What I want to say is, keep struggling. Keep crying. Keep fighting. Keep conquering. Show ‘em how you bend without breaking.
That last part hit me
"It doesn’t make sense to call ourselves ugly…we don’t really see ourselves. We don’t watch ourselves sleeping in bed, curled up and silent, with chests rising and falling with our own rhythm…reading a book, eyes fluttering and glowing…you don’t see yourself looking at someone with care inside your heart…you would know exactly how bright and beautiful you are if you saw yourself in the moments where you are truly beautiful"
never, ever, tell me that “it doesn’t matter.”
because if it was enough to make you cry
if it hurt you that much
then it does matter
never think that you are insignifcant
or that your problems aren’t important
because you matter
(Source: altres, via a-bucket-full-of-positive)
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